On Saturday, a Texas man posted his dentures online for sale. Understandably, people thought this was crazy, and the budget chompers (just $100–like new) got a lot of attention. The listing was shared over 600 times in 24 hours. Most people seemed to be sharing it for the novelty value, but there were a number of serious inquiries about the dentures.
And why not? There are many great reasons to buy used dentures.
There’s a lot of potential cultural frisson in dentures, making them a great starting point for art exploring many aspects of the human condition. You can use them to represent teeth as one of the fundamental commonalities that bind us all together, as Mithu Sen has done. She used them to represent associations with desire and fear, satisfaction and animalism.
And there’s a bonus here. Unlike Sen’s complexly crafted “great wall of teeth,” you can just buy a set of dentures, give them a name, and describe them as a “readymade.”
All that sound too high brow and efete to you, but you still want to express your attitudes about dentures in a public way? You can always just epoxy the dentures to your car to create an “art car,” like the ChewBaru. Sure, one set of dentures is far short of the 140 pounds of material that make the ChewBaru look like a car that could’ve eaten Paris, before it lost its teeth. You’ve gotta start somewhere, though, and this may be the proof-of-concept that you need to get local dentists to pony up with their denture donations.
But if you’re going to take your show on the road, you’ve got to be prepared for people to call you sick on Route 66.
But maybe you’re looking for a practical use for these used dentures. That’s easy enough. There are probably dozens of ways to make these used dentures useful around the home. Let’s start with . . . an ashtray, yeah, that’s the ticket.
Just cut a hole in the middle that will accommodate a small glass bowl to catch the ashes, then knock out a couple of the teeth to make cigarette rests.
(I know we said we’re getting practical here, but this is also full of great symbolism, since cigarette smoking dramatically increases your risk of tooth loss. Sort of a memento mori for your teeth. Maybe that makes it a great choice if you’re trying to quit.)
Don’t like the idea of modifying the dentures? Well, a back scratcher is a great use for these dentures. They can give you those needed extra inches to reach that one spot on your back. Using an over-under grip on the curved surface of the denture gives excellent control for finding that irksome spot, and the sharp edge on the denture teeth let you really “dig in” and get a great scratch.
You’ll need two sets of dentures to make this little gem work. Either attach them to handles or just hold them directly to serve salad with fake teeth instead of your grimy hands. You’ve got to handle them carefully, though–nobody wants to get their salad pre-chewed.
There are a lot of threats to your dentures out there. Neighbors, sea birds, and hungry dogs all have their eyes on your replacement teeth. How can a person possibly keep their dentures safe in this scary, dangerous world?
Decoy dentures. Buy an extra set of used dentures online, and then you can put them out where anyone looking to steal your dentures can find them. They may think they’ve stolen your dentures, but you can be the robbed that smiles with your true dentures and steal something from the thief.
There are many ways to turn dentures into jewelry. You probably can’t adapt used dentures into a denture bracelet, but you can pop the teeth out and string them onto a necklace. Or just turn the whole denture into a pendant. Or add a loop and it becomes a key chain. Never misplace your keys again–just put them in your denture vault.
Or if you want, you can turn it into a stick barrette. You’ll pull your hair through the palatal arch and run the stick through the alveolar groove.
Want a little more zing when you’re telling the mortician joke? Hope to imitate your favorite denture gif? Well, you can’t do that without dentures! Buying a set of used dentures gives you one you can use in situations that might break your actual dentures.
Wanna make a quick buck? You can turn around and resell these dentures for TOP DOLLAR!
But who would buy used dentures?, you may ask. Well, you did, didn’t you?
Tell all your friends that this is the latest thing in an expanding market, an untapped commodity that will revolutionize world trade, markup the dentures 50-100%, and you’ve got the biggest thing since cryptocurrencies.
How should the future remember us? Everyone wants to put stuff in time capsules that makes us look great, but maybe it’s important to be remembered as we truly are: frail people full of failings. Otherwise, how are our returned astronauts going to convince their simian oppressors that humans were here first?
Why Not to Buy Used Dentures
So, with all these great reasons to buy used dentures, why wouldn’t you buy them? Here’s one reason why not to buy used dentures: to use them as dentures.
Your dentures should be custom-fitted to your mouth to give you proper fit and function. Poorly fitting dentures aren’t just hard to eat with, they can hurt.
So, if you’re looking for dentures to wear as dentures, please contact a local FOY ® Dentures dentist to get properly fitted, custom dentures.